From Fawning to Freedom: How Your Authentic Self is the Best Protection from Narcissistic Abuse

Have you ever wondered why covert narcissists seem magnetically drawn to certain types of people? The kind who over-apologize, over-accommodate, and chronically put others’ needs above their own?

It’s not just bad luck. It’s not a flaw in you. It’s actually the perfect storm of unhealed trauma meeting emotional manipulation. And the good news is: there’s a way out.

As a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, I work with survivors of childhood trauma around the world. We don’t just talk about healing—we do the healing, together, in real time. And today, I want to guide you through why narcissists are drawn to certain behaviors, how your authentic self naturally repels them, and most importantly, how you can reclaim that authenticity without overwhelming your nervous system.

Because when you begin to heal, you stop asking why they treated you that way—and start asking why you stayed. And that’s when everything changes.

Why Narcissists Are Attracted to People-Pleasers

Covert narcissists don’t want connection. They want control and admiration.

Authentic people don’t hand that over so easily. They reflect the narcissist's lack of emotional depth like a mirror—and narcissists hate that. It's uncomfortable for them to be around someone grounded in their truth. Why? Because manipulation doesn’t work on someone who knows their worth.

Instead, narcissists seek out people stuck in the fawn trauma response. This isn't just being “nice” or “easygoing.” Fawning is a deeply ingrained survival strategy—part freeze, part social engagement—that stems from childhood, where being agreeable was often the only way to stay safe or loved.

Imagine a child learning, “If I make others happy, I’ll be okay.” That child grows into an adult who suppresses their needs, avoids conflict, and stays small in relationships. And unfortunately, narcissists thrive in that dynamic.

Authenticity vs. Fawning: What It Actually Looks Like

Let’s break this down with a few vivid examples:

Scenario 1: The Silent Treatment

• A fawner internalizes the silence: “Did I do something wrong?” and rushes to fix it.

• An authentic person says, “I’m here when you’re ready to talk, but I’m not chasing silence.”

Scenario 2: Love Bombing

• A fawner thinks, “Wow, they really like me!” and feels instantly safe.

• An authentic person thinks, “That’s a lot, and it’s fast. Let’s slow down.”

Scenario 3: Covert Criticism

• A fawner thinks, “They’re right—I should have done better.”

• An authentic person says, “I hear you, but that doesn’t align with how I see myself.”

Authentic people aren't more confident because they’re “stronger.” They're simply not operating from unhealed childhood wounds. They’ve done the work to trust their internal compass. And that, right there, is their protection.

Why Your Authentic Self Repels a Narcissist

Being real is your superpower. Narcissists want enablers, not equals. They want to be admired, not challenged. When you say things like, “That tone doesn’t work for me,” or “This conversation can continue when it's respectful,” you’re setting energetic boundaries. You're saying: I see me. I choose me.

And that terrifies them.

Because narcissists only operate on the drama triangle—roles of victim, rescuer, and persecutor. Authentic people don’t play that game. They don’t need to prove anything, fix anyone, or abandon themselves to stay connected.

So when a narcissist can’t manipulate you, they may accuse you of being "difficult," "arrogant," or "too much." But what they’re really saying is: “I can’t control you—and I don’t like it.”

How to Go From Fawning to Fully Authentic (Without Overwhelming Your Nervous System)

Let’s be real: stepping into your authenticity can feel terrifying—especially if your nervous system equates disagreement or rejection with danger. That’s why this process has to be gentle, intentional, and embodied.

Here are four somatic steps you can begin today:

1. Notice the Freeze Behind the Fawn
   When you automatically accommodate, pause and ask: “What am I afraid will happen if I say no?” Awareness is the first step out of autopilot.

2. Practice Micro-Authenticity
   Don’t start by confronting toxic people. Start small—with safe people. Say things like, “Actually, I’d prefer this instead.” These little truths build nervous system capacity over time.

3. Reparent the Belief
   Fawning is rooted in the belief: If I don’t please them, I’ll be abandoned. Start updating that to: Even if I’m rejected, I’ll survive. I’m safe when I stay connected to myself.

4. Find a Healing Community
   This kind of work is hard to do alone. Not because you’re weak—but because trauma healing isn’t meant to be solitary. We heal in safe relationships.

Why the School of Transformation Exists

This is exactly why I created the School of Transformation.

It’s more than a class. It’s nervous system rehab—a safe, live, trauma-informed space where you don’t just learn about healing... you actually experience it in real time, with people who truly get it.

Each week on Zoom, we work with survivors across the globe—processing stuck trauma, learning to embody boundaries, and building the capacity to live authentically, not just theoretically.

If you're tired of surviving and are ready to reclaim your wholeness, this is the space for you. Because healing is possible. Authenticity is powerful. And your nervous system can learn safety again.

You’re not too sensitive. You’re not overreacting. You’ve just spent too long shrinking to survive.

It’s time to expand to thrive.

Ready to take the next step?
Join me and a global community of trauma survivors inside the School of Transformation. Let’s do the healing together.