How to Overcome Resentment After Narcissistic AbuseMay 13, 2021
Resentment has been likened to an anchor to the past. No matter how hard you try to strive forward, the weight of that anchor relentlessly keeps you focused on the wrongs that you endured, the unfair treatment that no one should ever have to put up with as well as they expectations that were left unfulfilled.
If you let it, resentment will cloud your vision to the point that you will be unable to enjoy your present life and relationships, and it will make your future appear just as bleak as the past.
By definition resentment is the bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly and if you have undergone narcissistic abuse, you HAVE been treated unfairly by people that you would expect to have your best interests at heart - your family.
Letting go of resentment is challenging because what we fail to realize at times is that resentment NEEDS something from us. It's not enough to acknowledge the emotion, it's not enough to validate, understand and normalize why we are feeling it in the first place - something more is needed.
In my video on YouTube entitled - Dealing w Anger After Narcissistic Abuse I likened resentment to hunger. If someone refused to feed me for 20 hours straight I will be suffering from hunger pains - my stomach will ache, my head will pound and I will be extremely irritable(hangry). I can name the symptoms that are being created by my hunger, I can validate them and normalize them and even soothe them with my inner dialogue by saying things like - "Of course your hungry and hangry, you were denied food for 20 hours!!! That is so wrong - you don't deserve that."
But no matter how much I name it to tame it, and validate and soothe it - the hunger will remain and persist until I DO something - such as provide myself a nice meal!!!! Instead of staring at how the other person tried to starve me, I can now empower myself by feeding myself.
Resentment hunger demands the same thing - it demands action from YOU in order to go away. If the other person in your life ignored you, insulted you, put you last on their list of priorities, criticized you for everything you do, chiseled away at your self esteem - and if you finally put down boundaries and removed the toxic person in your life that is excellent but.... in order to satisfy resentment hunger you must be feeding yourself with the needs that were unmet in the relationship.
The challenge is the fact that many often internalize their abuser and they begin treating themselves the way the abuser treated them.
Their inner dialogue will sound similar - they will tell themselves they are stupid, a failure, that no one will ever love them, that they don't deserve anything good in life, etc.
Resentment will not go away if you are treating yourself the way the abuser treated you! If I begin to starve myself the way someone tried to starve me..... my hunger will get louder and louder even if that other person is not around.
The key to letting go of resentment is to give yourself the love, care and respect that you had expected but never received in the toxic relationship. In this way you are healing from within and satisfying your resentment hunger.
It doesn't go away over night - but it does get easier and easier with time. If you are struggling to apply this in your life - make sure to check out the Thrivers School of Transformation, this is an international community of thrivers that meet live weekly to go through (not around) the side effects of narcissistic abuse so as to create the life they truly want as their best and authentic self.