Love Bombing - The #1 Way to Become Immune to This Manipulative TacticJan 21, 2021
Love bombing is a manipulative tool that allows toxic people, narcissists to put their foot in your door refusing to allow you to close the door on the past in your efforts to move forward in your life. Love bombing is universal bait that works on men, it works on women and it works on people all over the world.
I see the results of it all the time in my face-to-face coaching, when people will try to move on after toxic relationships. They want their life back, they want to just live in the present but they wind up getting sucked back into those narcissistic relationships. It’s a vicious cycle - they start getting better, they learn about the narcissist, they un-mesh, they start to move on and then BAM they're right back in another relationship with somebody just as toxic.
Love bombing is one of the reasons people get sucked back in. There is a way to become completely immune to love bombing, but I'm going to be honest - what I'm going to tell you really works but .. it is usually the last thing people want to do.
It’s interesting to note that people that haven't been through trauma often view love bombing as repulsive. It turns them off and for good reason – it’s because when somebody's love bombing you, when a narcissist is love-bombing you, it's not because you're amazing. Not that you're NOT amazing! But that's not why they're love-bombing you. They're love-bombing you because the faster you will fall for them, the faster you will be all in, and then the faster they can move on to getting what they're really seeking which is narcissistic supply.
Somebody that hasn't been through trauma can feel that lack of sincerity, they feel that something's off and it repulses them. Somebody that has been through trauma and has not completely healed, can fall for the love bombing.
With that in mind I want to talk about two things that people do to try to stop falling for the love bombing and these are great things, it's just that something more is needed.
The first thing that people tend to do is they learn all the red flags about narcissistic abuse, narcissistic behavior, and how to spot a narcissist, and there's a ton of information out there. Some people become experts on what those signs are yet they can still fall for the love bombing!
The second thing they do is they start realizing that their self-esteem and their value needs to increase because basically if you're falling for love bombing it's because the narcissist is using your lack of self-esteem against you. In effect they are healing in a manipulative way your self-esteem so that you become dependent on them. So many people are looking at themselves and trying to increase their value as to the man or woman they are today.
Doing those two things is excellent but something else needs to be added and it’s what no one wants to do. It’s about healing the shame wound from the past, yes it has to do with healing childhood trauma. Whether you experienced trauma due to narcissistic parents, or simply because of your family situation in life or living with a parent that had unhealed wounds from their childhood, regardless of whether the trauma was done on purpose or not – trauma does not simply go away with time. Regardless if it was done on purpose, regardless if it was done on accident – if a child grows up feeling not enough, not seen, not cared about, if a child grows up feeling they have to stifle their feelings so as to not upset mom or dad then they have a core wound of shame; they have had to separate themselves from their authenticity. They couldn't be themselves because it was too overwhelming for mom or dad or in an abusive situation, they couldn't be themselves because the anger that mom and dad had at their authenticity was too frightening, so again there's a separation from authenticity.
The reason I'm saying this is because when that happens the trauma gets kind of frozen and it's almost frozen and ‘stuck’ within, regardless of how many years go by it’s still there. The last thing people want to do is go back to that wound, because they think … that was so long ago. I’m an adult now, I can see my life now and the value that I have now…
The problem is, that that shame wound, if not processed and released, can still show up unconsciously and narcissists can spot that like sharks to blood.
So the love bombing and devalue often is opening the door to that old shame wound, and that childlike feeling of please love me please, can somebody please tell me that I am acceptable and enough just the way I am???
The shame wound coming up is not from the adult you are now, but the hurt child you once were. The more you learn about trauma the more you realize what happens in your brain as a result of past trauma. Because trauma is frozen and trapped – when similar situations happen in life – they create emotional flashbacks. You begin feeling the hurt emotions from the past as if they are happening right now!!! On top of that, during an emotional flashback your logical mind goes ‘off line’ and you are functioning with only your emotional brain. This explains why someone who has memorized red flags, someone who knows what narcissists are…. can still fall for one!!!!
The only way to truly become immune to love bombing and ANY of the narcissists manipulative games is to work through, process and release the trauma so that you can go on to live your life as the person you were always meant to be!!
As impossible as it sounds – it CAN be done!! Life after narcissism is amazing!!!
If you are struggling to get there on your own – please know that there are resources available. The Thrivers School of Transformation is a membership of fellow thrivers that are learning the tools and mindsets to close the door of the past, to live in the present as they design and create their preferred future. Will you join us?