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Narcissists False Self | Codependents Protective Self

complex ptsd complex ptsd recovery narcissists Feb 10, 2021
Both narcissists and codependents share the same core wound. It is well known that narcissists have a false self.
Due to their upbringing, both the covert narcissist and the codependent or empath are ingrained with the following belief system:

‘I’m not good enough’

‘I’ll never measure up’

‘I hate who I am’

‘Others hate who I am’

Both codependents and narcissists have their authentic selves rejected, the wound is the same and a false core is created in both.

The pain of the rejection of their authentic self is too much to bear so the narcissist creates a false self that is seemingly 'perfect', above reproach, 'special, unique and therefore should be reverenced. Their entire lives, 24/7 are lived through the lens of this false image. To keep the image alive they channel their inner self-hatred onto their family via projection. 

The perfection and above all reproach image must be fed via narcissistic supply 24/7. The False Self is everything the narcissist would like to be but, alas, cannot: omnipotent, omniscient, invulnerable, impregnable, brilliant, perfect, in short: godlike.

In order to stay alive the narcissists needs ongoing narcissistic supply by way of admiration, awe, obedience; or negative supply - by way of making others feel crushed and devastated by the narcissists actions. The reason they hurt those that crave their love the most is due to the twisted reasoning that if they can hurt others and make them feel horrible, in fact worse about themselves, then the narcissists feels elevated to a false sense of value.

The moments that the false self is not being fed - the pain from the wound sends the narcissist into another feeding frenzy of seeking narcissistic supply - positive supply from those that admire and negative supply from those that are codependent on them.

We all understand that dynamic.


But - how does that core wound affect the codependent????

The pain of the rejection of their authentic self, also is more than the codependent can bear. To not feel that pain - a protective self is created. While the name is different, it is still, in all actuality, a false self.
The codependent lives life through their protective self which must be fed via validation 24/7. The codependent seeks, obsesses and seemingly NEEDS external validation.... not to feel perfect like the narcissist, but simply to feel enough, worthy.
The moments when they are not receiving the needed validation to ease the numbed pain inside - sends the codependent into another feeding frenzy of seeking external validation. They will do things their inner self wishes they wouldn't, they will give, give and give, pouring themselves out..... hoping that your validation will quench their emotional thirst.
The sad reality is that neither the narcissist nor the codependent are living life as their authentic self.
When I was at the beginning of my healing journey, I wrote the PDF I Miss Me and Want Me Back. I knew that after years of narcissistic abuse from different individuals in my life, that I had been erased, re-molded into a person that I barely recognized in the mirror. 
It wasn't until years after writing that PDF that I realized that the 'me' that I missed - was not the 'real me', but rather my protective self. Sure, it was an upgrade from my erased self - but it was not my authentic self.
It isn't until we learn how to work through our unhealed trauma that we can release the protective self, and it is only then that we are able to live life as the person we were supposed to be had we not experienced emotional trauma.
Do not stop your healing journey at surviving - you CAN overcome all the side effects of narcissistic abuse and transform your life into a life that you are passionate about.

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