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Reparenting Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

complex ptsd recovery narcissistic abuse recovery reparenting Oct 27, 2021

At some point along the way, a child of a narcissistic parent sees that they are not loved unconditionally. The child picks up that no matter how hard s/he tries - it's just never enough to get the narcissistic parents love and approval.

This is a hard reality for a child. Especially considering that the person whom they are seeking approval from is also responsible for their safety and survival. But the child's brain does something interesting to help the child to cope with the emotional trauma: Rather than view their parent as the problem, rather than blame their parent ..... the child views them as the problem and blames self, which is why it becomes an almost desperate need to 'fix' oneself - after all, survival is on the line. It's simply 'more safe', in the child's mind, to view ones self as needing fixing as opposed to the parent needing fixing.

There begins the shame wound of narcissistic abuse.

'There's something wrong with me. I'm flawed. I need to strive harder and harder to be better. I need to fix myself.' These are the thoughts that the brain latches on to as a coping skill. By making the child work harder and harder to find the secret formula to gaining their parents love and approval, this keeps the child from seeing and FEELING the overwhelming pain of rejection and abandonment that is being inflicted on them. 

But while the child is busy trying to 'fix' themselves, they are suppressing the emotions of shame, guilt, fear, rejection as well as the abandonment wounds. However, out of sight does not mean out of mind.... literally. The emotions and memories that the child is enduring at the hands of an emotionally and psychologically abusive person get stifled in the mind - in a very specific place in the mind, called the limbic network. The brain 'hides' these wounds here in an attempt to keep you safe, and while it can be deemed helpful in childhood - in adulthood it keeps you stuck and unable to move forward in life.

An adult with these suppressed emotions, with the limiting belief that 'I am flawed and must strive harder and harder to fix myself' cannot grow into a healthy, autonomous person unless they do the inner work to overcome the side effects of the emotional trauma they endured.

One powerful tool for victims of narcissistic abuse is self parenting. Through self parenting - learning to utilize both parts of the brain, the logical and emotional parts, you can learn how to upgrade your limiting beliefs, how to regulate your emotions, how to increase self love and self compassion, how to end self abandonment, and ultimately you can weed out the belief 'there's something wrong with me' and replace it with I am valuable and worthy just as I am.

Until your inner child is able to uproot that limiting belief - s/he will be stuck seeking external validation, will be stuck feeling unworthy, will be unable to achieve their personal goals and dreams, and will be unable to feel whole. But YOU can free him/her and self parenting is a powerful tool to help you.

In November, the monthly theme in Thrivers School of Tranformation is Self Parenting After Narcissistic Abuse. Are you ready to begin upgrading your beliefs, strengthening your connection to self, raising your self love, learning to trust your gut instinct, and releasing your inner child from the lie that s/he developed of feeling 'flawed, stained, and/or unworthy?' 

Here's the link for you to join us:


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