How Trauma Trains Your Nervous System to Seek Safety in the Wrong Places (And How to Finally Break Free)

If you’ve detoxed your life of toxic people but still feel anxious, numb, detached, or constantly on edge—like there’s a low hum of dread running beneath everything—you are not alone. And more importantly: there’s nothing wrong with you.

What no one talks about (but deeply needs to be said) is this:

Trauma wires your nervous system to seek safety in all the wrong places, in all the wrong ways.

Hi, I’m Michelle, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and founder of the School of Transformation—a healing community where we meet live on Zoom every week to do the deep, embodied work of recovery together. Today, I want to speak directly to your nervous system, to the parts of you that are still trying to survive even though the warzone is long gone.

Let’s talk about what’s really happening beneath the surface—and what it actually takes to begin healing.

Why You Still Don’t Feel Safe (Even After the Narcissist is Gone)

Being in a relationship with a narcissist—a person who, at their core, intentionally or unconsciously harms others to regulate their own emotions—doesn’t just leave emotional scars. It rewires your nervous system.

Your body gets stuck in the “on” position—constantly on guard, constantly scanning, constantly trying to avoid the next emotional ambush.

Imagine your nervous system like a smoke detector that was once triggered by real fire, but now goes off every time someone lights a candle.

You no longer just feel unsafe around them—you begin to feel unsafe inside your own skin.

In response, we develop coping mechanisms that feel like safety...but are actually subtle forms of self-abandonment. Let me walk you through three of the most common ones I see in trauma survivors.

1. Appeasing: Becoming the Chameleon

You walk on eggshells, over-apologize, laugh at cruel jokes to “keep things light,” say yes when your body is screaming no.

You twist yourself into knots to avoid setting off the next explosion. It feels like survival—because, at one point, it was.

But here’s the truth no one tells you: Being a chameleon does not create safety. It creates silence.

Silence of your voice. Silence of your truth. Silence of your nervous system’s ability to trust you.

And when your body doesn’t trust you, it sees you as a threat. The cycle of fear continues—only now, it’s self-perpetuated.

2. Seeking External Validation: The Illusion of Safety in Approval

If you grew up around people who gaslit you—parents, partners, or friends—you were conditioned to question your reality. So you learned to rely on them to tell you who you are, what’s real, what’s true.

And it becomes this emotional cliffhanger—you’re dangling by a thread, and that thread is made of their opinion of you.

But here's the raw, unfiltered truth:
Real safety does not come from someone else’s approval.

Especially when that approval has strings attached—when it’s given one day and snatched away the next. That is not safety. That’s emotional gambling.

3. Over-Functioning: The Fixer Fantasy

You become the fixer. The emotional caretaker. You anticipate every mood swing, every disaster, every unmet need—before it even happens.

It feels powerful at first, like you're in control. But your nervous system pays the price. There’s no rest, no peace, just an endless state of hypervigilance.

You're not living anymore. You're managing. And the narcissist? They’ll gladly let you carry the emotional weight they refuse to own.

But here’s the kicker: There’s no amount of over-functioning that can create safety in someone else's chaos.

So...What Is the Answer?

Healing doesn’t come from controlling others, or forcing yourself to “just get over it.”

It’s not about hating your anxiety, bullying your shame, or shoving down your discomfort.

It’s about learning to feel safe again in your own body.

Even if there are still difficult people in your environment. Even if your past tells you safety isn’t possible. Even if your nervous system has been stuck in "survival mode" for years.

And yes, I know that sounds impossible. But let me tell you something I’ve witnessed over and over again:

You can actually feel safe—even when toxic people are present—when your nervous system learns that your life is not on the line.

This is the deep nervous system re-education that’s so often missing in traditional trauma work.

Why We Created the School of Transformation

I built the School of Transformation because this work cannot be done alone.

You need community.
You need guidance.
You need somatic tools that go beyond talking about trauma—and actually help your body heal from it.

Each week, we gather live on Zoom, face to face, heart to heart, and we do the real, gritty, beautiful work of coming back home to ourselves.

This is not about quick fixes. This is about long-term nervous system restoration. About reclaiming your sense of safety, power, and truth.

So if this resonated with you—if your heart whispered “yes” even through the ache—then join us.

Let this be your next brave step.