Scapegoats, Golden Children, and the Trauma Triangle: Understanding the Narcissist’s Game and How to Break Free

Have you ever felt like you were living in a completely different reality from someone who grew up in the same house? Maybe your sibling swears your parent was nurturing and kind, while you remember a childhood of walking on eggshells, emotional wounds, and constant blame. If so, you're not alone—and no, you're not crazy.

This is the insidious world of covert narcissistic triangulation, and as a somatic experiencing practitioner, I'm here to help you understand the hidden trauma, connect the dots, and start reclaiming your truth—your whole truth.

The Invisible War Within the Family

If you’re learning about covert narcissism, chances are you’ve heard the terms “scapegoat” and “golden child.” But these aren't just labels—they're roles cast in a psychological drama where the narcissistic parent is both the director and the star. They split their inner world in two, projecting all their unprocessed shame and insecurity onto one child (the scapegoat), and all their idealized fantasies and egoic pride onto another (the golden child).

It’s like living in a house where one sibling is constantly showered with sunshine, while the other is stuck in a storm cellar without a door.

To the golden child, the narcissistic parent is a hero—loving, wise, selfless. To the scapegoat, that same parent is a saboteur—critical, manipulative, and cold. How can two people raised under the same roof see such different realities?

Because they were never in the same room emotionally.

Why Narcissists Do This—And Why It Hurts So Deeply

Triangulation isn’t accidental. It serves several strategic purposes for the narcissistic parent:

• Control of the Narrative: By manipulating perspectives, the narcissist crafts a story in which they’re never the villain. They enlist the golden child to validate their version of events and discredit the scapegoat.

• Emotional Supply: The golden child offers adoration and loyalty—positive supply. The scapegoat, provoked into emotional reactivity, offers negative supply. Either way, the narcissist feeds off the emotional intensity.

• Avoidance of Accountability: If the scapegoat is always the problem, the narcissist never has to look in the mirror. They maintain their fragile ego by burying their flaws in the identity of another.

But here’s the deeper layer: This same triangulation tactic doesn’t stop with the children. The narcissist can turn their spouse into the scapegoat, making all the children golden. In these homes, kids are groomed to believe that the other parent is the root of all dysfunction. Years later, many adult children come to realize, with shock and grief, that they were manipulated into betraying the parent who actually loved them most.

Imagine that—discovering your own mother or father’s true self only two years before they pass, realizing the bond you were deprived of was stolen by lies.

When Triangulation Reaches Into Your Adult Relationships

This toxic dynamic doesn’t stop when you grow up.

If you’re the golden child, your narcissistic parent may make your spouse the new scapegoat, driving a wedge between you. Behind closed doors, they are cruel or dismissive—but only when you're not looking. Your spouse ends up feeling gaslit, isolated, and judged for being “too sensitive.”

If you’re the scapegoat, the reverse happens: your narcissistic parent may be sugar-sweet to your partner, painting you as the difficult one. Your partner, seeing a different version of your parent, may start to doubt your pain and even question your reality.

The narcissist continues to collect both types of supply—approval from the golden child, and emotional chaos from the scapegoated adult child or their partner. And round and round the triangle goes.

Understanding the Pain in Your Body: A Somatic Perspective

From a somatic experiencing lens, what does this mean?

When you're trapped in a trauma triangle, your nervous system is in a constant state of dysregulation. Hypervigilance. Shame. Doubt. Confusion. Your body stores what your mind tries to survive. Even if you've intellectually pieced together your family dynamics, your body may still be living in the emotional freeze or fight of your childhood.

You might flinch at criticism. Over-apologize. Feel unseen, no matter how hard you try. Or experience a deep, aching loneliness that no amount of talking seems to resolve.

Healing means reconnecting with the wisdom of your body. It means learning to track your sensations, notice when your system is hijacked by old survival patterns, and gently bring yourself back to safety. Not imagined safety—felt safety.

Why Healing in Community Matters

I’ve worked with countless individuals navigating these painful family dynamics. And what I’ve seen time and again is this: healing doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens in safe, nurturing spaces where your reality is believed, your body is supported, and your story is honored.

That’s why the School of Transformation, created by Michele Lee Nieves, is such a powerful container for growth.

This isn’t just another self-help group. It’s a sanctuary for survivors of narcissistic abuse and complex trauma to:

• Reconnect with their body’s innate wisdom

• Learn somatic tools to regulate their nervous system

• Understand the deeper layers of narcissistic family dynamics

• Reclaim their voice, their power, and their truth

• Heal in community with others who get it

Every week, you can join live Zoom calls with Michele and others walking the same path—processing, learning, integrating. There’s even a free 7-day trial to see if the experience resonates with you.

You Were Never the Problem

If no one else has told you this today: You were never the problem.

You were simply cast in a role that didn’t belong to you, in a drama you didn’t choose. But now, you have the power to step off that stage, to stop playing a part that harms your soul, and to write a new story—one where you are whole, worthy, and free.

This is the work of transformation. And you don’t have to do it alone.

Ready to take the next step in your healing?
Visit Michele Lee Nieves’ School of Transformation and join the movement of survivors rising from the ashes of narcissistic abuse.

Your healing begins with your truth. Let's help you feel it—in your bones, your breath, and your being.