Whose Shame Are You Carrying? 5 Hidden Ways Narcissists Shift Their Burden Onto You—And How to Take Your Power Back

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling small, guilty, or like you did something wrong—but couldn’t quite explain why?

You might be unknowingly carrying someone else's shame.

Hi, I’m Michele Lee Nieves, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and founder of the School of Transformation. Every week, I meet live with survivors of childhood trauma from around the globe to do the deep, inner healing work that fosters real change. And today, I want to talk about something subtle but powerful: how certain people—especially those with narcissistic traits—can manipulate your empathy and offload their shame onto you.

This post isn’t just about identifying those patterns. It’s about reclaiming your space, your truth, and your inner compass. Let’s look at five real-life scenarios where shame can be passed like an invisible torch—and how you can learn to set it down.

1. The Forgetful Celebration Trap: When Joy Feels Like a Betrayal

Imagine you're preparing for a party—balloons are up, music is on, and you're in that happy, vibrant headspace. Suddenly, the narcissist walks in and says with a wounded sigh, “Funny how you care about celebrating others, but never for me.”

Boom. Your joy evaporates. Your stomach knots. And suddenly, you're questioning your intentions.

But here’s the truth: that wasn't your shame. That was theirs.

They couldn't celebrate your happiness because it triggered a sense of unworthiness within them. So instead of dealing with their pain, they toss it to you, like a hot potato. And now you’re the one burdened with doubt and guilt, while they walk away feeling relieved.

2. The Emergency That Never Was: When “Helping” Is Really Control

You’re handling a project just fine, halfway through, in your zone. But here comes the narcissist, swooping in like a self-declared savior. “Let me help,” they insist—though it’s clear you didn’t ask.

Now you feel conflicted. A voice inside says, “I’ve got this,” but you say yes anyway—and suddenly, you’re forcing gratitude you don’t feel and questioning your capability.

What’s really happening? They’re masking their own incompetence and panic by creating a moment to shine. They want credit, applause, and your emotional labor to soothe their discomfort.

3. The Too-Sensitive Shutdown: Gaslighting in Disguise

You share something vulnerable—a moment at work that stung. Instead of empathy, you get an eye roll: “You’re always overreacting.”

Ouch.

Now you’re doubting your reality. Was I overreacting? Was it just a joke?

This isn’t about your sensitivity—it’s about their inability to feel vulnerable. To avoid their own emotional discomfort, they gaslight you. The result? You start suppressing your own emotions just to maintain peace.

4. The Silent Lecture Punishment: Emotional Withholding as Power

You walk in the door after a long day. No greeting. Just thick silence. Hours pass before they say, “I was wondering if you even cared about me…”

Even though you called (and they didn’t answer), guilt creeps in like ivy—wrapping around your heart, tightening with every second.

This is shame projection in action.

They feel invisible and unimportant, and instead of processing that internally, they use your empathy as a weapon. Now it’s your job to fix what was never broken.

5. The Control Cocktail: When Your Nervous System Becomes Their Emotional Trash Can

When you start to feel guilt, shame, or self-doubt for simply existing as you are, that’s a sign: someone else’s emotions are hijacking your system.

Narcissists often use your nervous system as their personal “emotional dump zone.” It’s their favorite cocktail of control—because if you’re busy fixing yourself, they never have to look at themselves.

And slowly, you begin to disconnect from your inner compass.

So… What Happens When You Refuse to Carry Their Shame Anymore?

You wake up. You start saying no to emotional dumping. You stop making their discomfort your responsibility. And guess what? They will react.

1. They’ll act shocked. They’ll try to manipulate your empathy again: “Wow, you’ve changed. Who do you think you are?”

2. They’ll escalate. From subtle guilt-tripping to overt accusations or silent treatment, they’ll poke until something sticks.

3. They’ll smear you. When they can’t control your emotions, they’ll try to control the narrative. Suddenly, you’re “crazy,” “selfish,” or “unstable.”

4. They’ll discard you. Not because you’re unworthy—but because you’re no longer useful in regulating their shame.

It’s hard. But this is where true empowerment begins.

5 Steps to Reclaim Your Power and Stop Carrying Shame That Isn’t Yours

1. Track your shame signals. Where in your body do you feel it? What story does it tell? “They ignored me. That means I’m not lovable.” Is that really true?

2. Call it out. “Oh, they’re doing that thing again—projecting their shame because they can’t tolerate my joy.” Naming it helps tame it.

3. Stand in your truth. Set emotional boundaries. “Yes, I’m happy. And that’s okay.”

4. Journal it out. Track these incidents. The more you write them down, the faster your brain catches the pattern—and the faster your body learns safety.

5. Find your tribe. Healing is not meant to be done alone. Share your truth in places where it's safe and heard.

The School of Transformation: Your Safe Space to Heal

If you're resonating with this, chances are, you've been walking through life carrying weight that was never yours. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to keep carrying it.

Inside the School of Transformation, we go beyond talking about healing—we do the healing work together. Live. In real time. With real tools that work with your nervous system—not against it.

Every week, we meet on Zoom in a sacred space where your story is safe, your emotions are valid, and your healing is supported by others who get it.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. You deserve a space where you can reconnect with yourself, rewire your nervous system for safety, and rebuild your life from the inside out.

So if you’re ready to take the next step—a real one—come join us.

You were never broken. You were burdened.
Let’s lay it down—together.

Join the next live session of the School of Transformation and experience healing that lasts.
Because your joy is not a threat. It’s your power.